Asinine alliteration

The moment I heard about the scandal, I knew they were going to start calling it "Foley's Folly" on CNN, Fox News, and the rest. It's unavoidable; they can't help themselves. And sure enough, for a week and a half now, it's been "Foley's Folly, Foley's Folly, Foley's Folly" ...

But I didn't see "Foley Fallout" coming.

If I were president, I'd abolish cable news. I think every American would automatically gain 5 IQ points.



So why can't I stop watching CNN??

Why do the crazy ones love me ...

I'm trying to put myself in the mindset, but it's difficult.

You're a girl. You like a guy, but you sense (accurately) that he's not into you. So you determine that your best course of action is to throw yourself at him mind, body, and text message. You feel that the way to win him over is to finagle your way into the chair next to him at all social gatherings. ("I want to face the window!" Smooth.) By flinging yourself into his path on a daily basis, you can provide constant exposure. And we all know the basis of attraction is conspicuous, palpable availability. He will find this very, very hot.

The guy's demeanor toward you becomes inexplicably chilly. Clearly, the best thing to do is to pepper him with questions, such as "Why are you being weird? You haven't been very nice to me lately!" The direct approach. If his interest in you was starting to wane, this is a sure-fire way to lure him back.

If, for some reason, this strategy fails, begin complaining about him to mutual friends, preferably those with whom you know he speaks on a daily basis. This will ensure that your signals reach him.

In the event that they do not, become noticeably sullen at social gatherings. IMPORTANT: Do not, under any circumstances, give him space. You must still insist on attending any function at which he might be present, but once there, cloak yourself in a morose demeanor. He will find this irresistible.


Seriously, it's like someone paperclipped a crazy magnet to my shirt.

Offensive linemen

Here's a question I'll be pondering as I try to insulate myself from the screaming and thunderous high-fiving that's coming from the other side of the (paper-thin) wall:

Why do my housemates get so excited about football that they shout and cheer like drunken hyenas? My housemates are not participants in the game. Neither, to my knowledge, are any of their family members or friends. I'm not saying you can't sit down and enjoy watching the game, even though football isn't my bag of chips (and I'm working on that). But why are they literally seconds away from tears, jumping around and declaring their joy as though they just received news that the Supreme Court ruled no one would have to pay for sandwiches ever again (wouldn't that be something!) or that women suddenly could think of no bigger turn-on than funny-looking and vaguely crabby men (which would be good news indeed for one roomie)?

What is missing in your actual lives that you get this worked up over an artificial competition? (A real competition being a fight between a man and a lion in the wild, or two cavemen duking it out over the last slice of mastodon.)

What I'm saying is, clap. Shout "Yessss!" if you like. I'll even throw in some fist-pumping and the occasional high five. Go nuts! But until you make the tie-breaking pass, until you score the touchdown or whatever, you're going to need to put a cork in the bloodletting screams. Some of us are trying to sleep. And besides -- you look pretty damn silly.

Rosie

A recent comment reminded me of something awful.

We all know Rosie O'Donnell is a lesbian. Which, whatever. As a Christian I believe homosexual behavior is a sin, but so is gossiping and so is racism and so are dishonesty and covetousness, and our attitudes toward different sins are out of whack. I also believe people are responsible for their actions, not necessarily their desires. But this isn't a post about lesbianism, except to the extent that it is.

We all know Rosie is a lesbian. Some of us know that her girlfriend is an attractive blonde lady. What you do not know is that I know the blonde lady's family. During high school, I traveled to state capitols as an intern for an organization that teaches kids about state government. When we were in Louisiana, I stayed with this really nice Christian family, and at the end of the week I learned that the oldest daughter in this family was none other than Rosie's girlfriend.

That week, my buddy LJ was on the staff team too. That was in 2002. A few weeks ago, I saw LJ for the first time since then, and we reminisced about our high school days.

"Remember how we stayed with Rosie's girlfriend's family?" I asked.

We laughed. Then LJ said, "A few weeks ago I was watching this special on HBO about Rosie, and she said her in-laws were Bible-thumpers, but that they were really nice people, and they had even welcomed her to stay in their home."

A brief pause.

"Wait a minute," I said. "Rosie said she stayed at their house?"

"Yeah," he said.

Another pause.

"We stayed at their house."

"Yeah."

"We stayed in their guest room."

His head snapped to face me. "Yes, we did."

"Oh, my gosh," I said.

"No!"

"I'll bet they put Rosie in the guest room."

Another pause. We looked at each other with widened eyes.

"There is a very good chance," I said slowly, "That one of us has slept in the same bed as Rosie O'Donnell."

Haiku: Got into class against all odds

I luck out each time
Waiting for the shoe to drop
Why does fortune smile?

Every freaking time

Sometimes I don't use the closest bathroom. When I feel like stretching my legs in the middle of a long work day, I'll walk past the nearby men's room and take a 2-minute walk to a different one.

For about two months, every time I'd go into the far men's room, the same guy would be there. He was a tall man with a grey moustache. Sometimes he would be there when I went in. Sometimes he would walk in while I was peeing. Sometimes while I washed my hands. But every time I went to that men's room, this guy would be there. I did not go at the same time every day. Sometimes I'd visit the far bathroom twice in one day. Didn't matter. He was always there.

Does he have a medical condition? I wondered. Does he keep his cocaine stash in here? Does he come here to avoid a coworker he hates? Is he participating in some sort of experiment? Why is he ALWAYS. HERE.

It got to the point where it made me mad. I'd be standing at the thing, and I would hear the door swing open. "Anyone but him," I would think, "For the love of little Rudy Cosby, ANYONE but him." And of course he would come in, and I would think, "WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?!"

And then I realized something.

Tall, grey-moustache pees-a-lot is probably sitting at a computer in an office at this very moment. Typing a blog entry about how little devilishly-handsome blond guy is in the bathroom EVERY TIME HE GOES.

List: Hangover

Ways to Appear Normal at Work Wednesday Morning if You Accidentally Had Too Many Tequila Sunrises at Your Friend Dan's House Tuesday Night

• Take 2 - 4 Excedrin* before going to bed. Attempt to wake up 1 hour before you have to get up. Take 2 more Excedrin.
• Appearance is everything. Shower. Shave. Remove all vestiges of that crusty stuff around your eyes.
• Eat something. Preferably something with salt. Or a large slice of bread.
• Keep a hangover outfit in stock. This is an outfit that is already ironed and good to go. Make it something sharp. For example, I have a tangerine-colored shirt from J. Crew with thin white stripes. People always tell me it's a great shirt on me. Wearing clothing that already gives your appearance a little boost will go a long way. Do not throw on your comfiest clothes as a way of cheering yourself up since you feel like crap.
• Since you feel like crap, cheer yourself up by stopping at Starbucks or a similar coffee establishment. Order your favorite drink, BUT order it decaf. Because at this point, chemicals are not your friend. (For me this is a venti decaf nonfat latte.)
• On the way in to work, turn on a good song. Sing along. This will warm up your vocal chords, which may or may not be shot from enthusiastically screaming anatomical words for quite a while the night before.
  
• Also on the way in, call your friends and request that they delete any photos in which you may or may not be pictured without pants.
  
• When you arrive at the office, greet everyone enthusiastically and with a smile. This will fool them.
• Go into your office. Close the door.
• Cry.

* Excedrin may be substituted with a similar drug, such as Tylenol or Advil, but not HeadOn (apply directly to the forehead!)